January 1st

Demi discusses the importance she sees for people to find their own mantra and stay true to it. She came up with her own mantra, "I am beautifully and wonderfully made." I instantly feel in love with this. I couldn't relate more to it. It's exactly something I need to say to myself to remind myself how beautiful and wonderful i am, inside & out. I tried affirmations, but there were so many that I felt so generic saying a different one each day, then forgetting them and start over. but this time, this quote really spoke out to me. and I did something I've never done in my life. That moment I decided I wanted to make it a permanent mantra of mine. That will always be with me to remind me of who I am and my beauty, whenever i have moments that i begin to forget. So being absolutely spontaneous, I went to the tattoo shop the next day & go tattoo'd on my arm, "I am beautifully and wonderfully made" and I couldn't have been more happy with such a last minute decision. Sure it's permanent I know, my dad wasn't too happy. But for me, it's so much more than just ink on my skin. It's a reminder of my meaning  in life, the beauty and wonder i'm created in, and how those are the most important things about me to judge. Not my height, weight, color, outfit. None of that really matters, only what's on the inside is what counts. & hopefully I'll start to day by day realize my inner beauty and wonderfulness, and see myself in that light instead of the shadows of everything I think I'm not, or will never be.

Introduction: My Past and Present

My mother has always paid extra close attention to those I idol, and she's paid particularly close attention to my love for Demi Lovato. Her story about going into treatment and her journey was what inspired me to want to get better myself. It's nice to be able to relate to someone with her talents and success, and know that my personal struggles are more common than I realize, and they're not something to be ashamed about. I've been struggling with bulimia now for almost 8 years, along with depression, self-harm, addiction, alcoholism, and recently just diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I can't even begin to count the number of therapists, specialists, psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors, ect. that I've visited to try and find answers to my problems. At first, like most kids, I was in denial, didn't want to get better. Didn't really think there was a way to, and didn't see the point in it because I never really saw a future for myself that I looked forward to. I had a tough childhood, a lot of which was my own fault, my own impressions/reactions towards different situations. I'm very pessimistic, I moved around a lot growing up, so I was always making & leaving new friends. I never had a very grounded life, and therefore began my attachment issues at an early age. needless to say, almost every relationship i've had in my life has ended, usually very dramatically, and from something I had caused or issued to distance myself or protect myself and end up just hurting more. I always seem to find a reason to push someone away, and if I can't find one, I will make one up. Whether it be cheating, lying, fighting constantly, ignoring, or my personal favorite just blowing up at them until they realize they don't want to deal with my shit any more. I don't know why I do some of the things I do, & I'm not proud of them by any means. They're almost defense mechanisms, my way of proving to people that I should be alone, and that they're better off without me or my problems.

I've finally matured to an age where now I do want to get better. I'm tired of being sick, unhappy, having my problems interfere with my life, friends, and my happiness. I'd love to go to lunch with sisters & not think about how soon I can get to the bathroom after, or feel like I have to go to a party completely hammered, because i'd rather not remember the dumb things i did, than remember how miserable i was. So yes, my thinking really isn't logical. But who has logical thinking when they go through some of the same shit i am? If not worse? I'm tired of making myself the victim and punisher. I play both roles, and just ends beating myself up over and over again. the nasty addicted bad part of me, wants to see the good me suffer. she believes that physical and emotional pain is the only way to reflect how I feel and to express it. The good part of me though tries to replace the negativity with love, or logical thinking. More of an eating disorder example, I have my own ED. He's an enemy of mine that lives inside me and tries to manipulate and twist my thoughts into polar opposites of what they should be.